Chrysler Recalls...

...a time when people chose to buy their cars because they were somewhat decent.

Breaking News:

Al Qaida suicide bomber, in a moment of clarity and experiencing a last-minute epiphany, envisioned a world where everyone is able to peacfu

Postal Service to Honor Queens-Born Rapper

The 50-cent stamp would represent an 11 percent increase in postal rates while making the postal service seem hipper and more in tune with today's urban postal consumer.

The U.S. Post Office, facing financial losses of up to $18.2 billion a year by 2015, wants to charge more for postage, more for services, and to suspend Saturday delivery, and maybe get rid of those pith helmets, and maybe sell a lot more of their right-hand-drive little trucks to Silverlake hipsters.

USPS delivers 40 percent of the world's mail, although, admittedly, 41 percent of the world used the USPS to send mail. Its revenues exceed $65 billion a year, only slightly more than the average rapper.

The service said last week that it lost $3.3 billion last quarter, and that it is looking everywhere for it. Such losses, said the Postal Service in a letter sent last week to Congress, would be "unsustainable" and would cause USPS to become "a burden" to the U.S. taxpayer. The letter called that outcome "highly undesirable." A response to the letter said "no shit."

Currently, USPS gets no taxpayer dollars for its operating expenses, which are funded by the sale of postage and postal services.

Adult Industry Actors Guild Set to Strike

Van Nuys, CA: female members of the AIAG (Adult Industry Actors Guild), who are responsible for roughly 78% of the world's pornography, have decided to put their clothes on in order to pressure the production houses and distribution companies for higher pay. Kitty Westbrooke, a spokeswoman for the group said that they are looking to renegotiate their current contracts in order to get more in the back-end. "It's not like they just hand these jobs to anyone, we're professionalistic" Kitty added.

The lock-out is slated to last significantly longer than when the male performers went on strike in June, and they're expected to win multiple concessions.

Due to Budget Cuts, Los Angeles Department of Water and Power Told to Pick One

Lonely Americans Lobby Congress for the Establishment of a National Do Call List

Washington, DC: Linda Manohan, a recently out-of-work accountant from Cooperstown, NY. joined with thousands of others yesterday to attempt to convince the U.S. government to institute a national Do Call List. The group of mostly lonely and socially maladjusted loners from wherever they all live never actually spoke with one another for reasons than can only be deemed obvious if you actually saw them.

"Well, we had heard about the success of the Do Not Call List and how it prevented unwanted phone calls to people who actually have lives. These people all know that when the phone rings it's most likely a friend or family member that shares the desire to communicate with the them" said Franc LaFour. Going on to say "I guess to them, having someone call from Bangalore to talk to them about carpet cleaning is not the highlight of their day." Franc also mentioned that, along with the tens, if not hundreds, of thousands of lonely citizens, he would desperately welcome the attention and human interaction. He spoke of more reasons to have the list but this reporter lost interest and decided to leave.

Quantum Particle Physicist Disappointed to Find Dog Particle on Living Room Carpet.

CERN, Geneva: After over 27 months of searching for the elusive dog particle and successfully not finding anything, pet owner and full-time nuclear quantum and particle physicist Lars Bnorgren issued a statement Thursday. "I have had Quark, the toy Pomeranian I bought with my then Fiance for almost four years now. After a rough start of house-training the dog it appeared that we had been successful in our endeavors, having not detected any dog particles for well over two years now. But on Thursday morning, while walking to the kitchen to make coffee the sensors in my right foot alerted me to the possibility of previously undiscovered a semi-solid mass that, upon further investigation, appeared to have been generated by our pet's black hole." The disappointed physicist went on to say that Heisenberg's uncertainty principle could not effectively justify the particle having been created by any other animal in the universe. it was indeed Quark's particle. In a final statement, Lars exclaimed "bad Quark!"